i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
