The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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