The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
