Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
