The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
