I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You brought string cheese to the strip club
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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