DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
