Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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