tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You can't motorboat a personality
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
