I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
