Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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