Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
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