Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
