I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
