Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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