what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
