WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
