I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
