So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
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