The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
