Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I just found a bag of teeth...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
