can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
