I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
