I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
