I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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