I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
