I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
