I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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