I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
