I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
