It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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