when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
