Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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