even my farts smell like vagina
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
