You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
