I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
