i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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