8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
