God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
