i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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