I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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