I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
is wine microwaveable?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
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