Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
