I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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