I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
