I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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