I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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