shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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