youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
