1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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