1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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