Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
